i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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