i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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