Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
