I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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