I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
