I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
