I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
