apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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