i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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