Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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