You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i think my mom watched the whole time
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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