Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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