I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
