Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
