Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
