I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
