Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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