I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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