well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
