I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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