If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
