I met the friendliest cop last night
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
