1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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