Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
