just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
