I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
this is an emotional support booty call
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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