you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
