If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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