next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
