I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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