Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
