she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
