i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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