take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
