the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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