btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
