I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
