he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
