when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
