whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
