I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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