Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
