Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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