If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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