I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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