I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
