Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
