Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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