the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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