They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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