Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
