he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
