whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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