Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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