SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
