Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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