Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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