Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
