I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I want to fling myself into the sun
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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