I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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